Use the 24 oz. Kroger brand sauce – the one with added mushrooms and onions. Rather than noodles, use broccoli as a base. Buy two large heads of broccoli crowns. Rather than beef, add extra lean ground turkey. Within the past year they’ve started selling Kroger brand, and so save and use that instead of buying Jennie-O.

Put the sauce in a pot and season it with salt, pepper and garlic salt. Use the salt and pepper that both come with the grinding mechanism. Add six grinds of the salt shaker and eight grinds of the pepper shaker to the sauce. Add five healthy shakes of the garlic salt. Add two more ingredients: a handful (approx. 10) of finely-diced pickled jalapenos and twelve green olives (cut in halves). Dice the jalapenos yourself rather than purchasing them already diced.  Warm on Low and cover with a lid. Have a cocktail or watch tv for at least an hour while the sauce simmers.

Spray a skillet with original Pam and then brown all of the meat while on Medium High. Essentially pulverize it when it’s cooking in the skillet. Don’t add any seasoning. Strain. Then stir the meat into the sauce. Recover with the lid.

Chop all of the broccoli off of the crowns. Don’t have huge pieces – break them up with your hands. Continue to chop off stems so that none of them are longer than about one inch each. Spray a skillet with original Pam and add all of the chopped broccoli. Then, spray all of the broccoli with original Pam. Season the broccoli prior to cooking with salt, pepper, red pepper flakes, garlic salt and dehydrated chopped onions. I would estimate: six grinds of the salt shaker, nine grinds of the pepper shaker, six shakes of garlic salt, five shakes of red pepper flakes and a very vigorous shaking from the chopped onion container (in excess of 25 shakes). Cook the broccoli on Medium High until it’s really cooked down. Stir frequently. It’s completely fine if the tips and/or bases get slightly burnt. If you have a tiny apartment, make sure your oven vent is on High and that your balcony door is wide open – otherwise the next morning you’ll come out of your bedroom to the aroma of sauteed broccoli.

Place around 4/5 of the sauteed broccoli on a plate and the remainder in an open Tupperware container. Shake a vigorous amount of Parmesan cheese on top of all of the broccoli. I’d like to make this clear – you put the Parmesan cheese on top of the broccoli and you do not put it on top of the sauce. Use the sauce to cover all of the broccoli on the plate and put the remaining sauce on the broccoli in the Tupperware. Your dinner is now ready. Do not put the lid on the Tupperware until after you have enjoyed dinner and cleaned the kitchen before going to bed. If you put a lid on it and place it in the refrigerator when the sauce is still hot, it will have a tremendous amount of condensation underneath the lid the next day. If you are like me, that might give you an anxiety attack.

Here are the takeaways you should have about me from this blog entry: I’m not Italian. I don’t like to spend money. I eat healthy. I love to cook. I like to do things in a very specific way. I love leftovers. I live in Texas. I rise early. I should probably adjust my dosage on my anti-anxiety medication. I’m not afraid to tell you how I think you should interpret what I write.

Now. How many of y’all are going to try those jalapenos and green olives in your spaghetti sauce?

Y’all know what goes well with spaghetti? A super hot chef in a Seersucker Stud apron. You won’t be able to stand his heat but you aren’t going to get out of his kitchen.